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Friday, January 13, 2006 

the bisexual wife's dilemma

No sex last night. I was horny as hell again yesterday, but my husband wasn't able to make it home until the kids were home. Pity me.

I had a dream last night that my husband cheated on me and I found out through the woman he was sleeping with. She told me that they had met so he could check on some medical issues she was having, then had sex. She was an older woman (my husband is 9 years my senior), had a nice body, freckles, and a "mom" cut (short hair, which my husband does not like). I hugged her when she told me and told her I was just happy to know -- that I didn't want to be in a relationship where I was being deceived. I'd rather know the truth, no matter how much it hurts.

I woke up feeling quite upset. My husband had already left for work, as he has been leaving early these days. I wish I could trust that this could never be a reality for us, but it very well could be. His long-term relationship before he and I got together had ended because he was unfaithful ("the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior"). He has lied to me several times, some of them huge, relationship-affecting lies, and I've caught him in other "smaller" lies.

At his new job, he also has a phone that I'm not privy to (not that I need to be). My daughter and I went to visit him at work earlier this week, he took a call on this phone from a woman he used to work with. The excuse as to why this woman had this number and why they chatted in private for five minutes while my daughter and I were there was flimsy to me.

I'm actually not the jealous type, and have always requested that my partners simply tell me when or if they have feelings towards someone else -- because it is only human. (Hell, if she's hot, maybe we can share her!) I have simply been lied to and duped enough in the past, that it is difficult for me to trust everything.

I've never cheated on my husband... with a man. I had an affair with a woman about a year ago, and it probably would have continued if I felt better about my body and she hadn't moved away. But I feel this differs from cheating since I am bisexual. Does that make sense?


I'm dying to have another relationship with a woman, but again, feel that it's okay and don't consider it cheating. I've been unable to find women who are empathetic towards my situation and are looking for the same things that I am. Or the women that I've found who wanted to meet were not what I was attracted to aesthetically.

My husband knew I was bisexual and wanted to be with women as well as him from the beginning of our relationship. But he felt that he needed to be a part of it too, which is not what I wanted ultimately. I think he's made that "rule" for personal reasons -- so that he can live out his fantasies. I don't believe it has anything to do with me, or him feeling like I'm "cheating" on him.

I believe that it's a need and desire that I can not fulfill with my husband or magazines or porn -- that only a physical relationship with a woman can fulfill. And although I would love a friendship with my female lover(s) as well, I believe that it would not affect the family and marriage that my husband and I have created.

I would really love some imput on this, especially from the male's perspective.

Well that photo is worth a link alone! I'll take more of a look around when I can, and will be back, promise.

Glad you're feeling uncensored and free here, which is invaluable, I know.

Honestly I think the fears you are experiencing are normal commitment fears heightened by your own insecurities and feelings of lingering guilt over your own "affair". This doesn't make what you are feeling wrong per se, but the first step is to be honest with yourself and recognize where those feelings come from. This isn't a judgement call on my part and certainly only based on what you've said. Personally I would ask straight up about the phone, it is your right to know, don't make it an issue, just casually ask as if it isn't a big deal. And maybe it isn't. The fear of being totally open with someone and then having them judge you harshly is a big deal for men especially, we tend to keep small things secret to have something of ours to hold onto. This isn't a big deal usually, poker night with the boys, etc. The problem can become, when those little things begin to escalate into bigger things. Which happens when the partner is overly negative or harsh when the little things are brought up. Then we feel like not sharing because it is going to be a hassle and cause problems. And why should it? It was only a little thing? Men are weird I know. :)

Does any of that make any sense? I hope so.

Lips,

Well, I read this post first and definitely got a brainful. I promissed myself that I would read through the rest of this blog before I commented, but my first impressions are still intact. And unlike others, I will definitelyly admit up front that I am being completely judgemental, so be it and that's that. Now with the preliminaries asside....

Your fears of your husband cheating on you are entirely justified. Getting a call from a former female co-worker on his phone what you don't even know the number, and making you wait, as well as past experience should all be a HUGE RED ALERT that something is going on.

On the other hand, your wanting a female lover without his presence and his disagreement with this does not help matters. He probably assumes that you have your own woman already and he may do likewise.

Funny. Sometimes people have open relationships and sometimes they swing and sometimes one of them is bisexual.
But it really all comes down to if the couple in question is open and honest, if either is not ok with someone else getting tossed in the mix and if the Need for someone other than the present partner is more important that the actual relationship.
And, as a guy, I too sometimes want women. Believe it or not. I am not trying to be a smart ass, just saying that I have a girlfriend (I think…another story), and I do sometimes want other chicks, but it has to come down to what is most important.
Maybe I failed to read your post properly, and am wasting my time spouting off incorrectly, but I just hope you and your dude (and, hopefully, your chicks! Hubba Hubba!) work it all out and everyone is happy.
Rock on!

hmmm... fair is fair. Would it be ok for him to have a relationship with a guy without your consent or knowledge?
Purely hypothetical, I know, but it might answer the dilemma.
I have fantasies of my wife having affairs with other men, but I have no idea if I could handle the reality of it. I'd love to share her with another man even though I'm not at all bi-sexual. I just like seeing her get hot and lusty. ;-)

Well, I read your post and think I can give at least my insight from a husband's perspective. I knew my wife was bi as well when we got married. We've had issues on and off like all other couples, but after she was stationed in Cuba (where I couldn't follow with our kids unfortunately) she called me out of the blue and asked for a separation. Then she tells me a few weeks later that she slept with a woman, and thought that I would be happy for her, and that it was good for us. Let me tell you. From my POV it destroyed me. It made me doubt myself and what I meant to her. It made me feel that I wasn't good enough because I was raised to believe that when 2 people get married they should be everything to each other. But it mainly hurt because she didn't bring this issue up to me before hand. I admit that it was my fantasy to have 2 women at once when I was single and still dating, and still a bit into the early years of the marriage. But when it happens without previous knowledge/consent given by your partner. It hurts like hell. Because it shows that you did not trust them enough to be able to deal with how you were feeling about the relationship. Honesty strengthens a relationship. Secrets destroy it.

Hi, I am basically replying to the bottom 3 quaters of your question. I am a very happily married man of a recently out bi sexual wife.
I feel I must compliment on the last 3/4 of your story and if u want my 2 ents worth, here it is!
Since my wife had the courage and guts to broach the subject she likes girls I have been trying to help and encorouge this part of her, cos as the blogger says, its much better out than in, its an amazingly loving thing to allow, plus its sexy.
My wife is only very soon to coming out and has already started a relationship with a girl that she really likes.
Our trouble is she is torn between conserervitive catholic upbringing on one side and total love and openess on the other side!

I am a bi wife who has recently come out to her hubby. He was supportive and then I had a meet up with another woman--he nearly broke down while I was gone. I came home and we talked things out and he was fine. I've since met another woman and had an encounter with her. He was fine with it, but today had a discussion about how he figured someday I'd either realize I was lesbian and leave him, or I'd get bored with my flings and quit them. I'm a dedicated wife and mother. I love my husband and I cannot explain why after years and years of denial and attractions to women that I can't just stop. I still have sex with him--a lot. We are still in love--very much so. But there is something I can't get from our relationship that I do get from being with a woman and there's no way for me to explain it to anyone who is not in my situation. Being a bi wife and mom is a hard row to hoe. I wish I had advice. Good luck.

I was recently married to an amazing bisexual woman. The basis for any relationship is love and trust. This is especially true of alternative relationships. Where trust waivers, love suffers. My wife has been with other women, but the ground rules we laid are that I will either be present or we will talk about it in advance. We have also played with another couple together, so I have certain freedoms to explore my sensuality as well. We trust each other to follow our rules, so we don't get lost or distant from each other. I have been in the room while she was with another woman, I do not need to participate, but she knows I derive great pleasure from watching real-life girl-girl porn.

I think you are suffering from a lack of communication and a lack of rules. If he feels that you are out with other women, he will feel justified in doing the same. I'm not saying that is ok, but that is the kind of thing that happens when you lack communication and trust. The phone that you can't access is a sure tell that something bad is happening. You two need to go to counseling if you want to save the relationship.

In my opinion, you have cheated on him by being with another woman and not discussing it up front. Unless you have an understanding to the contrary, it was unfaithful. Please don't think I'm trying to judge. My wife actually has my blessing that if she spontaneously erupts into girl/girl passion with certain of her girl-friends (or Angelina Jolie), no notice is required. Again, the key is communication, which builds trust, which fosters love, which facilitates happiness.

Good luck!

I am a man and i don't see whats the big deal in letting your wife love another women. Actually i find the thought very assuring.

Thanks for the BLOG. I hope many of us, (yourself and the responders), find this a great place to share openly--whether we disagree or agree.

The issues are separate. The point missed so far in blog responders is that can be mentioned is that we do make decisions to change when someone is very important to us. Love is always quite synonymous with sacrifice. It is likely that your husband does struggle with that "something missing" complex; maybe it arises from a sense of abandonment or unlove at an early point in his young life. Poor choices any of us make and would rather wish we not make them is a sure indicator that we are probably substituting a more pleasurable experience for "something missing" but harder reality.

Ah, but your thoughts about her. I sense from reading your blog you would be thrilled if you could find in your husband that deep, nurturing loyalty and profound love that makes it possible to share your heart and take him to the font of your soul.

It is believed by some that passionate hearts feel so deeply and truly that one's physical gender is, though not an irrelevancy, a hindrance to others personal points of view.

Such is the world, But friend, keep blogging.

The following post, which I copied from below, really caught my attention. It is exactly my situation. We follow exactly these rules. I wholeheartedly agree with and endorse the entirety of this post:
__________________________

"I was recently married to an amazing bisexual woman. The basis for any relationship is love and trust. This is especially true of alternative relationships. Where trust waivers, love suffers. My wife has been with other women, but the ground rules we laid are that I will either be present or we will talk about it in advance. We have also played with another couple together, so I have certain freedoms to explore my sensuality as well. We trust each other to follow our rules, so we don't get lost or distant from each other. I have been in the room while she was with another woman, I do not need to participate, but she knows I derive great pleasure from watching real-life girl-girl porn.

I think you are suffering from a lack of communication and a lack of rules. If he feels that you are out with other women, he will feel justified in doing the same. I'm not saying that is ok, but that is the kind of thing that happens when you lack communication and trust. The phone that you can't access is a sure tell that something bad is happening. You two need to go to counseling if you want to save the relationship.

In my opinion, you have cheated on him by being with another woman and not discussing it up front. Unless you have an understanding to the contrary, it was unfaithful. Please don't think I'm trying to judge. My wife actually has my blessing that if she spontaneously erupts into girl/girl passion with certain of her girl-friends (or Angelina Jolie), no notice is required. Again, the key is communication, which builds trust, which fosters love, which facilitates happiness.

Good luck!"

So you can cheat? And he can't? Wow, thats sure nice of you. Cheating is cheating, just because its another woman makes no difference at all!

He took a call from an old friend.. sure, you can stretch it to think he is having an affiar.. or maybe its just because you think nothing of cheating so he must think that way too?

Your a cheater... live with it.

you all think you can have your cake and eat it too -- ever heard of sacrifice, people? yes we all have fantasies and same sex attraction, but if you idiots could just head back to the school of logic and kindness, this country might not be filled with broken homes, broken partnerships and damaged children. Would any of you "ANGELINA-want-to-bes" enjoy your husband whoring around and fulfill all his "NEEDS." I laugh at you and your excuses for cheating on your marriage, family and selves.. what comes around will surely come back around. maybe you can be BI when nobody wants you and you've lost everything, including your soggytits and rancid beefy tuna steaks. LEARN LOVE,dumbassdykewannabes .
FACT: when your husband gives you the OK to be a whore with other women, you deserve congratulation.. you have just lost ALL respect and become a whore.. might as well start doing porno video too.. how much time will it take before the bloom is off your flower and you are one lonely-old tuna taster

i definitely dont believe you can say "but it was sex with a woman which isnt cheating"

sex is sex... wouldn't it be the cheating if a man simply ate your pussy? the lack of a penis definitely doesn't remove deception and infidelity from the picture - shame on your cowardice. love is about honesty

My girlfriend recently announced she wanted to enjoy being with another women while i was away on buisness (why not when i am there??), she tells me that for her there are different forms of sex; you make love with the person you love and sex is JUST SEX!! What does that mean?? She tells me that SEX for her is like breathing, she can't be without it! and that sex can be without feelings, love or emotion. But how? If a woman orgasms with another woman she experiences feelings of pleasure and stuff, exactly like being with a man so how can it be just sex?? I wonder if its just an excuse for bi-sexual people to cheat, if the roles were reversed and you were him and he were you, how would you feel if said this?? I bet pretty hurt!! I think the simplest scenario could be that if a bi-sexual woman wants a female partner as well as her man then she at least involve him! Either make it a threesome or allow him to watch so he can see for himself, otherwise there will always be issues!! people wondering things like 'does that feel better with her than me?' Sex can be empty and just SEX when you are single but the minute you commit to a serious relationship your saying you love that person and that person only and if they are making love to you on a regular basis WHY would you need more sex with a stranger?? Try to imagine it this way if you can, if your husband or boyfriend liked men as well as women and told you he wanted to sleep with men on the side, would you like it? I bet the anwer would be a big NO! It would make you feel dirty and maybe cheap. So why is it different for bi-sexual women?? Good luck to all in resolving your demons. As for me all i can say is im gonna try to be open and understand but am i risking my heart being broken?? Who knows?? goood luck to all!!

If your husband is having or seeking an affair, could it be that he feels unfulfilled in your relationship? Could it be that your affair and lust for others has somehow effected him, making him yearn for more love and affection from elsewhere?

Even if you don't consider homosexual affairs to be a violation of your marriage, perhaps he does. Unless you've discussed it with him, I think your feeling that your affair wasn't cheating runs counter to the standard understandings of fidelity and adultery.

By no means would I condone dishonesty on his part. But I wonder whether he might be seeking attention outside the marriage because your thoughts and experiences of other women have deprived him of some of his deserved attention.

Okay, you need to read what you've written a little more objectively: you "don't consider it cheating" for you to have sex with women, without telling your husband about it, because you're bisexual. All that means is that you're attracted to women; so is your husband, yet you make it clear that you'd consider it cheating if he had sex with another woman.

You're not fostering an honest relationship here. You're playing by rules that work for you, without taking the risk of involving your husband in the discussion. That will work... until it doesn't, and he finds out. When he does, even if he'd have otherwise been fine with this all along if he'd been told, he will be furious.

If that doesn't matter to you -- if you're of the opinion that your sexual behavior is your own business as long as you think that whatever you're getting on the side can be defended as something you otherwise wouldn't get -- then you've already made your decision. Good luck.

If he doesn't know about it, it's cheating, and you are lying to yourself about it to make yourself feel better about your cheating.

Think about how stupid that sounds for a second. Secretive, deceitful sex with another person doesn't count as cheating because it's a chick. You would be just as divorced by me if I was your unfortunate husband who found out about it.

Suck it up and be honest with him. If he's into letting you do that, good for you. If not, you've got a choice to make... but yes, you most definitely ARE cheating.

If you are doing it behind his back then it is cheating! Simple as that. If you speak about it and he doesn't have a problem with it (which is very possible), then it's not cheating. You have to be honest if you want an open relationship.

Number 1 - yes it was cheating. You've posted here to have people tell you it's OK. Here's the news. It isn't.

Number 2 - all the stuff that you said about your suspicion of his having an affair just sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that he is to legitimise your own affair. Well, it doesn't. It's adultery, plain and simple, on your part. And that's it.

Number 3 - no "understanding" of any kind will prevent what you have done being adultery and a breaking of your marriage vows.

So, clearly you were looking for someone to tell you that what you have done is OK. Well, jog on, no permission for adultery given here.

My wife (married 15+years with kids) has has the fantasy for a long time of bringing a girl home and using her as a toy in front of me. It was always fantasy because she as a little too shy and timid around strangers. Recently though she has a new friend who is a bi- married woman with children who has been really coming onto her. I could tell she wanted a piece of my wife and she even joked about it and I knew she was being serious. Long story short, we're now on the verge of making it all happen.... But before I was ready to agree we all had to set ground rules. I was down for watching them get it on, but I felt a little ackward admitting I'd love to join in, not with her friend but it would be great to do things to my wife together. Then I was told the other husband was on the same page where he just wanted to watch occasionally and at first I thought that was only fair, but the more I thought about it the more uncomfortable I was with having another man watch my wife or want to join them. I don't care that it's not fair to him, frankly. My main goal is to give my wife what she craves and what would turn me on as well. So our ground rules are that if they want to play they have to do it in our home, and I may want to watch if theyd like it, but I'd also respect their privacy. Heck, something about being in the other room and not knowing what is going on really turns me on to. Not a rule, but I don't have desires to have sex with this woman, it might even be a bit weird if she wanted to give me oral or started kissing me, I get the feeling my wife may be upset about sharing me with another woman and I'd feel odd, thats fine though. If everything happened in the heat of some moment it could really be something great tO remember. I just want her to have this experience and enjoy herself, and I'd love to help another woman please her.

Believe me, she was nervous wanting to have this conversation with me, but we are both glad we did. Rule #1 in marriage is NO SECRETS. If someone did someone else wrong in the past with an affair and you still love each other, then leave that in the past! Most affairs happen because of bad communication between mates leaving you unfulfilled. Have an open honest conversation about what turns you on, what turns him on and what the ground rules can be if both parties are comfortable.

And if you want to stay married and committed, there has to be a rule of calling these things off if anyone feels uncomfortable. if you can't respect each other than you will probably be happier single again! But I have to say, I really hope you talk this out. After we did, we were so horny we did it like 4 times a day, the first time ever in our marriage, it was crazy fun. Wishing you all the best and happiness!

So, I'm a little confused as to the actual problem because it seems to me there are several. First there's you subconscious trying to express to you how you feel about your husband and his past. Second there's your own unfulfilled desires. And third there's the overarching reality of the fact that you two are married and are supposed to fulfill each others needs totally and completely.
As a gay man, I don't have any clue what it's like to be married and have the need to share partners or swing or have unfulfilled needs because gay marriage hasn't advanced that far. But I will say that this post makes me question the point of marriage itself. If two people swear oaths to care for each other and fulfill each other until death do you part, then what's the point of one or the other or both of you, in the end, need other people to join the relationship to make it work? It's a head scratcher, that's for sure

My wife is bi and I have always supported her with other women but have stressed no other men. We have two other bi girls involved in our marriage and I am allowed to be with them also. These girls live with us and they have became almost as close to me as my wife. You could even say that I actually have three wives. Its wonderful for us!

Hi can you please could you tell me where else you blog as im going through something similar. Thanks

Wow thank you so much for creating this blog. I like you am a bisexual wife as well so completely get what you are feeling.

Thing is though honesty is the best policy. I met one woman, who was like a goddess in my eyes. Made me nervous in her presence. Yes my feelings for her weren't right but she was just 'IT' for me. Anyway I met her without telling my hubby and the guilt killed me that I couldnt touch her. I had to tell him as soon as I got home about what I had just done. He was glad I hadn't touched her but was happy to talk things through first. He always known Im bi, the first time we met I was kissing another woman. And he knew the time would come when I would want to feel another woman again. So Im glad hes open to me meeting another woman. SO i think you should talk to your husband. tell him straight how it is for you and ask how he feels about it. but purely if your marriage is already harboring lies and deceit it best to end the toxicity and move on.

I hope all ends well for you :D




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I guess my bisexual wife is so different than others I read about on the internet. She simply brought her girlfriend into our marriage. Gave her a spare bedroom and saw her a few days each month. We did not think about it or even feel it was not normal. My wife lived out her bisexual fantasizes as part of a loving threesome.

My wife says that although she is attracted to both sexes, it is not a free pass to cheat on your spouse no more than it would be for a straight wife to cheat because she is attracted to other males.

All I know is that we are married for 43 years and spent 38 of those years with another bisexual women. No cheating and we all had a wonderful and fun life. Bisexuality does not have to mean being unfaithful,to your spouse but if that is what works for you, go for it. The result is what counts but none of our. Our traditional friend's marriages did not survive when one, or both had lovers outside of their marriage.

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